Self Exploration # 12 - Today

I happen to be in that stage of life when everything seems exhausting and monotonous. I tell my kids the same things over and over, I clean up the same messes everyday, I pay the same bills and look at the same depressing ending balance on my bank account every month.

And everyone says that these are the best days of my life, and that I will realize that someday.

You know what? I want to appreciate it now, while I'm living it!

I get to read to my kids every night.

Tiny people still want to sit on my lap and give me slobbery kisses.

My husband still thinks I'm hot. (I give that one about another ten years.)

My parents are still around to laugh at my frustrations and give me sound advice.

I still have a chance to influence the lives of four little boys, who I hope will grow into honorable men.

These really are the best days of my life, and I am beginning to learn to cherish them, each one as it comes.

So your question for this week's self exploration is:

What things are making your life wonderful right now, whatever stage you're in?

Remember, you are always welcome to answer anonymously by checking the anonymous box in the comment form. You should also feel free to write your own blog post about this if you want to, but be sure to leave a link to it in a comment here so I can come read your thoughts!

Have a fulfilling week, everyone!

S. E. #11 - Happy Comes From...

Self Exploration is a weekly post where I pose a question that is meant to make you look at yourself more deeply or in a new light. Your job is to leave a comment in response to the question. You may always do so anonymously if that gives you more liberty to be honest. You may also post your answer on your own blog, but leave a link to it in the comments here so I can go take a look! Now your assignment for this week:

Tell me five little things that make you happy!

Here are five of my favorite things:


I Love the corner pieces in a pan of brownies. Corners are the best.

I love Dr. Pepper. Morning, noon, and night.

Trent loves it, too.

I love peeking in on my kids after they've gone to sleep. They look so sweet and innocent when they're sleeping. Of course, they aren't. So it's good to go in when they're knocked out so I can try to convince myself that they are worth keeping.

I love watching weird movies with Andrew. Such as Little Miss Sunshine. It was awesome.

I love my collection of candles. I can always find one to suit my mood, and they're great for masking the smell of the turd that someone has in their pants.

Your turn!

Self-Exploration #10 - Mary Poppins is delusional. Nobody's perfect.

Next week I'll be moving Self Exploration to Mondays. Because I can. If this is your first experience with self exploration, (and I mean the kind on my blog - not the literal kind), then you might want to read this one - it was the inaugural edition.

This weeks question is brought on by my experiences over the last 48 hours or so.

Every marriage has it's moments. You can't live with this quirk or that habit anymore, so you get frustrated. Then start either the snippy comments leading to an argument, or the silence which leads to a lot of thinking about what you ARE going to say when you start talking again.

The down side of this process is that you spend a lot of time thinking about how irritating your spouse can be, (childishly throwing balls into the ceiling fan until it breaks). You pick out all of their flaws, (chewing with his mouth open), and you feed them and water them, sing to them and give them plenty of sunlight, until those flaws have grown to prize-winning size and cast a shadow over all your cute, little imperfections.

Isn't that convenient?

So today, we're going to take a look in the relationship mirror. Your question is:

What little thing could you do to be a better spouse/significant other/cheesy best friend?

And for the love of marriage counselors everywhere, please answer anonymously.

And note that I said "little thing". I don't want to hear about how you borrow your wife's underwear and put it back without washing it. That is not a "little thing". That is something requiring professional help.

Self-Exploration #9 - Mommy Dearest

My incredible mom with Cameron the day he got his wolf badge at Cub Scouts

Flowers are nice and all, but my favorite Mother's Day gift is to not have to do my regular mommy duties. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

We set aside a special day to celebrate our mothers and motherhood and all we moms want to do is not be a mom for a day.

Weird, right?

We want someone else to make dinner, bring us breakfast, bathe the kids, etc...

And then on Monday we feel that big let-down of having to get back to our jobs.

I feel like we ought to celebrate the blessing of being mothers by performing our usual tasks with added gusto, flair and JOY!

But I don't. I want my husband on 24 hour diaper duty, just like all the rest of you.

It took my husband one year to figure out what Mother's Day is supposed to be like. Our first child was born near the end of April and so when my big day came around I was expecting a nice day of family time and relief from dish duty. Nothing more.

Mother's Day dawned bright and sunny and I was up with Cameron pretty early, getting him changed and fed. As the morning wore on, I began to get a little irritated that Andrew was still in bed.

By noon I was livid.

By one o'clock I hoped he had died in bed.

He emerged from the bedroom at two in the afternoon and turned on ESPN.

He got the silent treatment because I was afraid to open my mouth and unleash the wrath that had built up over the last several hours.

Later he made dinner, but there was nothing he could do to make up for the foul he had committed. It remains to this day something that evokes shame and dishonor whenever it's mentioned, ranking right above the time he watched the fishing channel and ate souvlaki in front of me when I was in labor.

Since that first notorious Mother's Day, Andrew has been a saint. He wakes up with the kids, takes care of them, threatens their lives if they wake me up from my nap, and does all the cooking, cleaning and diaper changing.

Unfortunately, my kids were too easy on Andrew until two years ago. No one ever woke up before ten and they saved their bowel movements for Monday. It's not normal. They are always awake by seven and have very regular digestive systems involving at least one poop a day. Unless it's Mother's Day.

So two years ago, I had had enough and insisted on feeding Drew Mexican food for dinner, including guacamole, and putting them all to bed an hour early.

It worked.

And I am happy.

And now, down to business.

In honor of this Mother's Day, tell me what quality, trait or characteristic you admire in your mother and how you'd most like to be like her.

Answering anonymously is always fine, if you'd prefer. But then we'll all just assume it's because you have nothing nice to say about your mom, whoever you are. I can't wait!

Self-Exploration #8 - The End

I am going to be on an airplane this week for the first time in something like six years. I feel quite confident that it is going to crash. (Have you all spent some time thinking about this? I'm faxing my paperwork tomorrow, finally.)

So here's our question this week:

If this were your last week on Earth, what three things would you do?

Remember, you can answer anonymously if you wish by checking the anonymous box in the comment form. Thanks for playing along!

Self-Exploration # 7 - When You Wish Upon A Star...Or A Genie Lamp, It Doesn't Really Matter.

It's that time again! If you're new here, you need to know that once a week, on Sundays, I post a question that I hope will help us all look inside ourselves and learn something about who we are. You leave your answer in the comments section, and you can absolutely make it anonymous if you would like to. Anonymity sometimes allows for unbridled honesty. Just try to be nice about it.

If you would like to see some of our previous self-exploration questions, they can be found by clicking on the "self-exploration" label in the sidebar at right.

And now for this week's question:

If you were granted one wish, but you had to wish for something that would benefit the life of another person, not yourself, what would you wish for?

Be sure to comment! I love learning from all of you!

Self-Exploration #6 - Doing Our Part To Keep The Divorce Rate Down

As some of you know, my tenth wedding anniversary is in just a few days.  (Andrew is such a lucky guy!)  Last night we were laying in bed talking about how long ago we fell in love.  We were high school sweethearts, you know.  I dislike that phrase.  It sounds so sugar coated and fruity.  However, we come from a long line of high school sweethearts, on my side of the family, and I guess that's pretty cool.  My parents and both of their parents met and fell in love in their high school years.  Precious, eh?

 This is us when we were young and I had all my hair.  Having kids can do some wicked things to your body.

Anyway,we got lots of advice before we were married.  Unfortunately, no one ever told us to keep the bathroom door shut when we used the toilet, so our relationship can get rather gory sometimes.  Did you know that there are couples who have never farted in front of each other?  What I wouldn't give to have Andrew take on that trait!  

One piece of advice that I hated before marriage and still detest to this day is that you should never go to bed angry.  Drives me crazy to think that if I got ticked at Andrew at ten at night, I might be stuck staying up until three in the morning just to say that I didn't go to bed mad!  I'd much rather get some sleep so I can be reasonable and deal with it in the morning.  Plus, we all know that men don't like to be forced to talk about anything until they're good and ready, so I'm not about to sit up with Andrew watching South Park so that we can discuss his compulsive convenience store spending before I go to bed and get up an hour before he does.  (And yes, my husband watches South Park and he knows he's going straight to Hell for it.) 


But we did get some good advice before marriage.  I just can't remember any of it right now.  It's late - cut me some slack.

So I ask you this - What is the most important ingredient in a successful marriage?


(Remember to check the anonymous box when you leave your comment so that I can take you seriously.)

Self Exploration #5 - Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall...

Do you think that more people would be inclined to comment on these self exploration questions if we all did it anonymously?  I do.  I made it an option from the get-go, but this time, I want it to be the norm.  

SO, if you comment on this post, (and please do), do so anonymously by checking the anonymous box when you choose your comment identity.  (Comment as...  check the anonymous box!)

OK, here goes.

What do you like most about yourself?

I'm going to comment on this myself, anonymously, so I won't answer here.  In fact, I might do that from now on.  So go ahead and leave a comment, don't forget to click on the anonymous box, (have I reiterated that enough yet?), and have a happy day!

Self Exploration #4 - That Thing

So this one is a little odd.  But here goes anyway:

What is your most prized possession?  Why do you value it?  (And I don't want to hear that anyone loves their scriptures or their kids or whatever.  We'll consider those a given.  Also, photographs or photo albums are out.  We're not talking about things you'd want to save in the event of a fire.  I'm asking about your most favorite thing in the world.)

Here's mine:

When my parents went to Italy back in the late nineties, I was devastatingly jealous.  I have dreamed of going to Italy for as long as I can remember, specifically Venice.  But I wouldn't say no to Rome or Sicily.

When Mom was packing her bags, I asked her if she would bring me back some dirt from the country I longed to see someday.  She said she would, and she succeeded.  The dirt in my hand here came from under a tree in Venice, Italy and was smuggled back into the U.S. inside a film canister.  

I love it because it represents one of my dreams.  Someday, I will be there for myself.  I will smell the salty air of the Adriatic Sea as I skirt along the canals in a gondola.  That's all I want.  I could be there for three hours and get to do nothing else and still die a satisfied woman.  Maybe when I go, I will return this soil to it's home, having no need for it anymore.  But in the mean time, I have a little piece of Italy with me to remind me that someday I will stand there on enough of that dirt that I won't need to carry this tiny bit with me anymore.

What object do you treasure?

Self-Exploration #3 - That Dollar Burning a Hole In Your Pocket?

This week's question:

What frivolous things do you spend money on?  Do you ever get buyer's remorse?

I think that what we spend our hard-earned money on says a lot about who we are.  Think about that one for a minute.

I am a Snickers shake from Arctic Circle.

All of us have different budgets and different spending habits.  We are accustomed to different lifestyles.  But we all have an extra few dollars now and again, and I got to thinking about how we use them. 

I tend to spend lonely, purposeless dollars on junk food and organizational supplies.  For example, laundry baskets because "this new system is going to make everything so much easier", spiral notebooks because I am always jotting down notes and lists and scribbling out budgets and trying to figure out how on earth I made it work last month.  And when I can't stand to add and subtract anymore I go to the cupboard and raid the stash of chocolate that I hid from the rest of the family.

All of those extra organizational expenditures are getting me nowhere because right at this very moment my desk looks like this:

One end of my kitchen counter looks like this:

And I have a box of miscellaneous paper junk that's been occupying a corner of my bedroom for, oh, a year or so.

 Is it possible that my compulsive purchasing of organizational supplies is telling of one of my weaknesses?

As for the junk food, I am an emotional eater.  Oddly, I don't eat when I'm upset or stressed out, I eat when I'm bored or when I need to relax.  Like as soon as all the kids are in bed.  I stuff my face full of ice cream and candy and chips so that the calories can spend my sleeping hours attempting to fill in the dimples in my thighs. 

I can live with that.  A bag of chips here and a gallon of MnM's there won't kill a person, (unless you ate it all at once), but it's the eating out that gets to me.

Every time we go to a restaurant I get buyers remorse.  So expensive!  Yesterday our family stopped at Carl's Jr. for a quick pre-grocery shopping meal and dropped thirty dollars on some chicken strips and a guacamole burger.  I have nothing to show for it now except a zit on my chin.

So I think I'll try to save some money and improve myself at the same time by skipping the restaurant outings more often and finally sorting out those piles of random paperwork that are taking over my house.

So how about you?  What do you think your frivolous purchases say about you?

Self-Exploration #2 - Fear

I liked the feedback from our first self-exploration question from last week. I think this will be a good thing. Each of the comments from last week made me think.

I thought about how I treat and talk to my kids and what motivates me - how I get things done. But especially Briana's comment reminded me that I really need to work on my listening skills. I do love to talk, but I need to turn my brain in the direction of other people more often. So thanks! Good comments, guys!

OK, so here's the question for this week.

What scares you?

Again, I'll get things going, even though I'm trying to be less self-centered.

Several years ago I saw an episode of Maury Povich, (which is a rare thing as I am not a fan of daytime TV), in which a man was sharing the story of how he lost his face because of a fungal infection. The same kind of fungus you might find growing on the bread in your kitchen. He lost both his eyes and his nose, and was left with a gaping hole where his face ought to have been.

That show gave me nightmares for at least a month, and ever since then I've been plagued by a fear of moldy bread. I would tell you the man's name, but then you might do something stupid, like google it, and then you'd be disturbed forever, too.

In all seriousness though, I have two fears that aren't exactly crazy.

First, I'm afraid of death. I don't like the idea of dying simply because I don't like to do things by myself. I even bribe my kids to go to the grocery store with me, so I'm wondering what it would take to get someone to accompany me to "the other side"? I just would prefer a little company. And since I'm not certain as to exactly how the process goes, I'm just not to keen to do it.

Secondly, I'm a little afraid of living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of our lives. (I tremble at the thought of having to feed four teenage boys.) It's not a ton of fun to have to budget things like haircuts instead of just going to do it, and it is lots and lots of fun to take the boys to the mall and let them pick out the first pair of shoes they've gotten in years that didn't come from a second-hand store. (Drew's light up, and he's not impressed at all. And Cameron had no idea what Nike was.) The fun stuff is, obviously, more desirable.

On the other hand, though, we have a good life. We have a good family and a good marriage, and given the chance, I would not take a million dollars and risk losing the sense of teamwork and gratitude that we have right now. We want for nothing, really, so while it's not all that scary a thought to live life always having "just enough", it's exhausting to think of working 'til the day we die.

And now we've come full circle. Maybe when I'm sixty, death will be a welcome thing!

Self Exploration Series

I often think of starting different recurring series here. I have started one called "Confession Session", but that one is all about me and the things that I feel guilty about. Why I want to share those things with you, I do not understand. Self-therapy? Anyhow, I've decided enough about me, let's talk about you.

"Self Exploration" is the new, all about you series. Once a week, not sure which day, I will pose a question to you, and you can ponder, reflect, look inside yourself, and maybe learn a little something. I would imagine that we have more in common with each other than we might have thought. It's intended to get you thinking, and you don't have to share your thoughts if you don't want to, but I'd love to read your ideas and thoughts. Comment anonymously if you would like to.

So, without further ado, I present our first question: (And I'm going to answer this one here to get things going. I may do this every time. We'll see.)

What one thing do you need to stop telling yourself?

I spend an awful lot of time with myself. I talk to myself all day long, seeing as no one else here does. Yeah, they grunt at me when their sippy cups are empty and whine when someone takes their ball, but that's about it. So I am my own company. Scary, isn't it?

Considering all of the quality time I have to spend with my thoughts, I think it very important that I stay positive. But I don't. I am the World Champion Worrier. The Queen of What-Ifs. Murphy's Law is my nagging mother.

So I need to stop telling myself that something bad is going to happen. Including waking up in the morning and thinking, 'Today is going to suck.' (Sorry - I know the word suck is unladylike.) I need to start telling myself that I can overcome anything, and that I can do it with a cheesy grin on my face.