How To Go To The Hospital

When I had that stroke last month it happened at 12:30 in the afternoon.  I had not showered yet that day, and I was kinda smelly.  As in, "Crap, I have that 'not so fresh feeling' and I'm headed to the hospital where body prodding is sure to take place."   But there was no time to stop for a shower, so I just had to make excuses for my smell to every doctor, RN, CNA, LPN, neurologist and intern who came within two feet of me.  I was hooked up to heart monitors all night and all the next day, so I didn't get to shower until about dinner time on day two.  When I was all lovely and clean and back in bed, a nurse came in to hook me up to monitors again, and she said, "It smells good in here!  Did you take a shower?"  Yes, she really said that.  I told her that I had in fact showered, but that she was probably smelling the roses my sister had brought me.

Hospital tip #1:   Murphy's Law sort of dictates that no one will be going to the hospital when they are looking their best, so if you end up in the ER smelling like a homeless person in July, just take a look around you and feel better.  It's likely you aren't the most disgusting person in the room.

2.  Even in a serious situation I cannot help but making stupid, inappropriate jokes.  Such as:  When finding out I have a nodule on my thyroid, (totally unrelated to reason for being at the hospital, but a favorite topic for Idiot Doctor), I asked him if that's why I was fat?  You know - "It's my thyroid."  And then taking bets for when the doctors were going to ask me when I'd had my double mastectomy.  Flat chested jokes are sometimes just wrong.  Also, I was so bored at times that I had to fight off the urge to fake a seizure for the entertainment of...Ok, I suppose just for my own entertainment.  Also, once you've had thirty or so neurological tests and you have the questions and movements memorized, you start to feel like slurring your speech and poking yourself in the eye just to give the nurses something different to do.

Hospital Tip #2:  Think before you speak.  And if you're well enough to be joking, even inappropriately, that would be a blessing, so don't be too hard on yourself.  But when you're perfectly coherent and sane and a nurse asks you if you know where you are, try not to spend too much time thinking of comedic responses, because when it takes you a while to come up with an answer it starts to look like you really might not know the right one.

3.  Some doctors do not know as much about your condition as you do.  He won't like to admit this, so he will go home at night and Google what you told him is wrong with you.  He will come back the next morning and tell you that he "did some research".  Then he will draw a picture for you of what you already knew.  It will look like a picture of Spiderman.  The doctor will feel like he is educating you, and it's ok to roll your eyes and call said doctor a dumb ass.  Some doctors need a little humility.

Hospital Tip #3:  A medical degree does not an intelligent person make.  If you think your doctor might be a moron, demand a new one.  You have that right.

4.  This one's important.  If a whole heap of people are going to be working on your chest doing ultrasounds or EKG's or whatever, you should make sure you don't have two nipple hairs growing out of your right mammory.  And no, I do not speak from personal experience, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hospital Tip #4:  When you do those self-breast-exams monthly like you're supposed to, be sure you check for unwanted hair.  Cause, Dude.

5.  When you're bored your sister might help you take pictures that you think are funny, but those pictures will not amuse your husband in the slightest because he is still stuck on the fact that you could die at any moment and won't be ready to laugh yet.  His lack of a sense of humor in this situation may actually make you love him more.

Hospital Tip #5:  Bring a person with you to the hospital who will keep things light, and another who will act like the world will stop moving if you die, will swear at Idiot Doctor, and who will later tell you that you can't post a picture of yourself drooling because not only is it not funny, it's also insensitive.

Simple Ways To Teach Your Kids Virtues

We all want to teach our kids to be compassionate, honest, and responsible, but sometimes it's hard to explain these concepts to them in a way they understand.

I'm here to make it easy for you. You just have to speak their language. Here are some examples of simple ways to explain tough concepts to your small children...

Honesty is admitting to Daddy that you really like Mom's grilled cheese better.

Integrity is washing your butt crack even though you know Mom won't smell it to make sure that you did; like she does with your feet and hair.

Kindness is cheering for Mom when she tries to kick a soccer ball in a straight line instead of laughing at her.

Obedience is doing what you're told BEFORE the blood vessels in Mom's neck pop out.

Bravery is daring to fart when you really have to poop.

Responsibility is getting to wear your new hoodie to school more than once because you didn't lose it on the first day.

Chivalry is holding the back door open for Mom when her arms are full of groceries. You know, instead of slamming it in her face.

 There you go!  And you're welcome!

How To Be A Gracious House Guest

Welcome back, everyone! In case you missed yesterday's How To Be A Stellar Hostess, you can read it here. It's compulsory, in fact. There might be a quiz.

Today, we're discussing part two - being a gracious house guest. These tips are just as important as those of the hostess. You do after all, want to be invited back, right? *Again, I will say that these tips are things I've found helpful while staying overnight in someone's home, but I'm not claiming that I actually do them all.*

• Arrive when you say you will. Perhaps your host is preparing dinner for you and if you come late, their efforts will have gone to waste. Unless the man of the house is a human garbage disposal, and that's not going to be appreciated by the wife, either.

• Happily accept whatever accommodations are provided you and refrain from pointing out how much better your own house is.

• Offer to help. Often, you'll be turned down and told to just relax, but failure to be considerate and grateful will make you look like a jerk. Jerks don't get dessert.

• Try to keep your personal belongings contained in one spot. Stringing your toiletries all over the bathroom counter and leaving your bra or dirty socks hanging about the living room is distasteful.

• Bodily functions and noises are only funny in your own house. OK, and at my house. So unless you're home, or crashing at my place, put a cork in it.
  

• Don't pee in their shower. Do what you will in your own home, but don't desecrate the place where your host bathes her children. This concept could apply to other things, but I'll leave it there for your further contemplation.

• Adjust your life to the habits of your host. If they are early risers, don't sleep in and then get all bent out of shape when their toddler bursts into fits of laughter and wakes you up at 11:30 A.M.

• It's not going to hurt you to try new things. If your hostess is preparing a feast of dolmades and souvlaki, forget about the boring pot roast that you insist on every Sunday evening, and give the new food a taste. Picky eaters are never welcome guests, so find a way to get yourself or your kids past it. However, if your host is that goat blood drinker or considers tofu an acceptable form of protein, offer to pay for take-out.

• If you bring kids with you, don't forget their leash/time-out chair/wooden spoon/duct tape/straight jacket, or whatever else you use to keep them under control. Nothing will make your hostess want to invent an excuse for you to leave like a pack of unruly children with no regard for her furniture or level of migraine.

• Also keep in mind that your pets are not necessarily welcome. Best to ask first, and if you know your host is not an animal person, (my hand is raised), don't even think about it.

• Even if the cleanliness of the host's home gave you the willies, or the conversation was dull, or you unexpectedly had to sleep on the floor with the dust mites, send a thank you note when you get home. That way, if you vow to never go near those people again, you at least won't have hurt anyone's feelings.

That should give us all a good base to jump from, but please add your own thoughts and tips in the comments section!

How To Be A Stellar Hostess

I've played hostess to a number of overnight guests in my time; both family and friends, and oddly enough, perfect strangers. I thought I'd share a few of my tips with you, just in case you are expecting company and are completely clueless as to what your responsibilities are. *Keep in mind that I never claimed that I actually do any of these things, I'm just saying they're a good idea.*

• Providing decent pillows is essential. You can try using a freshly laundered pillowcase to hide the old, nasty, brown pillow complete with blood stains from your child's nose picking days, but it's usually best to just buy yourself some guest pillows. You can get them cheap, and only a rude guest would point out their dissatisfaction with your Wal-Mart Special. You don't care about those types of guests, anyway.

• Wake up in the morning prior to your company. It's awkward for your guest to have to figure out what to feed your kids for lunch all on their own.

• Remove all hair from the bar soap in the shower. This will save your guest from tedious picking and possible shower vomit. If you want to go above and beyond, buy a bottle of body wash and a cute little puff. Never share puffs. That's just nasty.

• Clean the toilet. No one likes to lift the lid and find trace evidence of previous bathroom users.

• Make sure the bathroom is well stocked with toilet paper and a wastebasket. You don't want your guest improvising on how to wipe or dispose of feminine products.

• Hide your good snacks so that you don't feel resentment towards your guest for eating all your favorite treats. Resentment shows itself in ugly, subtle ways.

• If you have a weird diet consisting mostly of tofu, bean sprouts, and the blood of young goats, don't expect your guest to eat your normal fare. Stock a few normal foods; like pasta, chicken, and Pretzel MnM's. You can eat your tofu and goat blood while they feel content with their Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

• When your guest is bringing children, don't be afraid to make the house rules clear. For example, "We don't paint the walls with nail polish, we don't ride the dog like a horse, we don't explore the contents of someone else's refrigerator, we don't trade toys for keeps, and we don't use the couch for a trampoline." You let something slide just once, and it won't take long to regret it.

• If you drink, don't do it excessively in front of your guests. They might catch on to you.

Should you have some Stellar Tips of your own, please share them with us in the comments section. And be sure to check back tomorrow when we discuss the traits of a good house guest.